Bridge to Somewhere Lost in time....

There a moment in time...
That's can't be define...
Which is there to remind...
All my sins and my crime....

It send me away in the month of may...
It wakes me up when september end...

I guess it a nature that life have it balance...
good versus evil...
at time i think I'm evil...
which i have the tendency to become...

but I was always be reminded...

I could be the darkest evil and hurt people to their deepest miseries...
I could heal people, love others and help others to their happiest joy...

I could...

Wonder

Isn't it a wonder when u heard a baby cry....
Isn't it a wonder when u see a mother smile....
This world is a beautiful place...

I took picture of happiness...
But never replace the tear of sadness...
I stood up when I fell...

I love without reason...
I never choose, never procrastinate, never discriminate...
May u be fat, short, ugly...
love is a gift...

Life is not for us to judge it's bad or worse...
Life is for us to enjoy...
Life is a privilege...

Towards the end of these year...these are the few area of my life which is appeal most.. I fell for someone just to end up as a friend... I fight with a stranger but end up to become friend... I was hated but end up to be the care taker... life is so wonderful...

I may not get what I wan - but I will still work for it... I may not have any lover - may be faith is not on my side... I do not achieve my goal (carrier)- but i found something better and worth dying for...

To some look and appearance may seems to be everything... but I have seen what look have done to hurt other... I have friends lost their virginity in young age just because of look... i have a handsome friend who slept with various girl just to end up getting few of the girls he slept with pregnant... (well face like me can become a model too ;P see me in men's health magazine soon....hahahaha.....)

Skills is essential in life... I like photography so much... finally I took the challenge to become a part time apprentice photographer of 1 of Asia most famous modeling magazine... hahahha...damn I can believe it the they really took up a part time apprentice..... talent are too much to be wasted...

I quit my free lance job as web design... I need more to life... :)...

This few day meet up some beautiful people.... friends id friends.... it's wonderful...

My life is full...

Grandpa... 2009 will end soon... me still fat... single... and love milo... hahaha...

No Silent night this year...

Today is my cousin wedding....
yesterday was her wedding dinner...
Finally I can show my cooking talent to all my aunt!!! hahahaha...
All these while I'm known as the pain in the ass...
Every one like my MILO PUDDING muahahahahha...
My

and for the finally my special Blue Soda Lemonade Punch With lil Vodka...
I name it "Aquamarine-Pop" ....

we were cooking and serving till 1am in the morning...
suddenly remember someone... my late grandfather...
hope he was here.... to see the 1st granddaughter to get married...

Today X'mas...and my cousins wedding...man so tired...

I got 1 Xmas present this year from Shereen thankz... hahaha...


my whole life I rarely recieve any present from friends or relatives....
thats' y the present the give are very very precious to me....
I'll used it even if it's obsolete.... hahahha.....

reminisce 怀念

I reminisce the smile on your face...
I reminisce the sound of your laugh...
sometimes you I might call you attention freak...
yet you are special in your own way...
I may be a freak myself....

I reminisce the hype or you appearance...
I reminisce the aura when you are near me...
sometimes I feel jealous on how u treated others....
yet I still love you for who u are...
I may be a casanova myself....

reminisce....

The Road Not Taken

The Road Not Taken

Poet: Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I miss some one....

There nothing else I can say...
When you look at me that way...

hahahaha...

the lyric above reminds me of some one...
thou it's far away...
I promise I'll be here to stay...
What ever I promised I'll keep it...
It's is what make me human....
I hope it will clear the mind of the beholder too...
I wish only for the best...

Her Tear Drops...

I saw the tear drop from the eye...
my heart was cold my and it clouded my mind...
I feel stupid and acting like an idiot...
I just don't know how to hold her...
Sometimes I could be a real good idiot...
But most of the time I'm a total completely absolutely brilliant idiotic moron...
hahahaha...
Next time... it's gonna be different...

Pain in Vein...

It another sleepless night again tonight...
I need rest...
Tomorrow nee to take care of 30 people...
Gosh....
Please sleep Kai!!!!!!!!

Nightmare

I can't sleep last night...
In my brain it keep on fleshing painful event...
The Dreams portrayed...
dishonesty... betrayal... hatred... violence...
People around me suffering...
the one I care...
the one I love...
It's a damnation...
evil rules...
and dark side prevail...

GPa now I understand why I choose to stay on the side I'm now...
I promise I'll never ever even think about being unreasonably violence...

Paranormal...

GPa... The pain return...
I thought "IT" will never come to me again...
why?

Dear lord...
Why was I given this "gift"...
I feel terrible when I warn people...
They think I'm crazy...

GPa... "IT" was following a girl I love and care for...
yesterday afternoon after the beach activity...
Although I can't see "IT"...
but the feeling of "IT" present is strong...

GPa I was so worried about her...
so I did the "Puuja"...
Feeding it with smoke...
instead of using joss-stick...
I used cigarette....
And it stick to me...
"IT" keep on carving for smoke...
so I took almost half of a pack last night...

This morning...
"IT" lingering around my thought and body...
I feel so gloomy...
and I hate the cigarette scent on my body...
"IT" drained all my energy out...
feel like a walking corpse...
a zombie..

Ckg Putera used the "Raja Kayu" to cast "IT" away...
but "IT" was stubborn...
So he asked me to rest...

later in the noon I'm so worried when she walked close towards me...
I do my best to keep her away from "IT"...
I'm sorry dear...

GPa... can this pain stop...
I can't bare this burden any longer...
Ah Chip, Ah Nee and Ah Khor...
I need to make sure they are safe...
We have the same blood...
I dun wan them to feel and see what I have gone through...
Neither do all my friends...

Please show me a way where I can stop this...

Trouble...

Some thing trouble me tonight...
I feel bad coz some one some where out there...
Is not feeling well because of me...
What have I done...
What did I done wrongly...
I'm sorry...

Maturity?

Maturity...
Was discussing with fred earlier today...
What make a person matured...
As a conclusion we found out is nil...
nothing ca make a person matured...

Why maturity is a judgement...
u have the tendency to compare a person with another...

Most of us would prefer to mature rather than simply age...
Mature implies gaining wisdom, experience, or sophistication as well as adulthood...
If you compare me and our prime ministers or CEOs, who among us are matured??
My answer will be each of us are matured in our own way...

I may be playful out side...
but when it come to work...
it is my responsibility to get the job done...

my challenge to you...
are u matured?
are you physically matured???
are you mentally matured???
how to prove that you are mentally matured???

so next time, please avoid saying things such as...
I like a matured guy.
(actually u don't like matured guy... u like the guy that have A, B, C traits...which u label it as matured...)
That person is not matured.
(same goes with this one... you are labeling them....)

well.... think about it :)

Sharing....

Well today, I bring my mum to the Orphanage House..
well actually it was my funcky idea...
My mum love drawings so much she draws beautiful portrait...
SO few month back I requested her to draw up some picture...
it's because there is this orphanage where I used to visited with my ex-gf needed donation...

well... so I tell my mum...
we have enough food to eat... place to we can called home..
but these kids don't have that privilege...
so I told her why don't we make a difference in this kids life...
well mum seem to agree with me for the first time...
so she draw...
the portrait was sold for approx. RM 300 each...
not much... but enough... :)

Mum was totally happy this morning...
seeing the children...
she even say some of them remind her of me...
hahahaha...

I'm 1 stubborn physco hahaha...
I love to see the laughter of children... it calm my wavy heart...

Avie....
they finally know how to sing "Kau Ilham ku"...
I really wish you and your future husband can go down and visit them...
they really miss you....
Principal Barbara was asking bout you... (^.^)

*sigh.... I forgot to bring my camera.... fon outta bat plak tue.... taik betul...

Xmas...

I just dun't understand the mentality of Malaysian...
Xmas is suppose to be a day of sharing and giving...
every one is excited about it...
but heck... all our society mentality could think of is having fun time and they don't wan to be alone...

Some even plan in advance what to do during Xmas...
Some wanna be with the love ones which is good...
Some just don't wanna be alone and wan companion to get through the nite...
Some just prefer to stay at home and sleep...

But non even think about lending hand and giving...
All our society ever think of is take take take...
when I was young I read a book by Charles Dickens...
it called the "Christmas Carol" which had been adopted to animation recently...

The learning I get from the book was...
Life is short and precious....
Money is not every thing... money can't buy love .. money can't buy life...
Life is about giving... not receiving....
and love is a form of gift... not materialistic kind of love....
Help the one needed the most....

Lovers buy thousands worth of diamond and pearl FOR NOTHING!!
while orphanage home needed thousands to feed the kids....
and yet they can still yell "Merry Christmas"... it bullshit!

Hey all you morons out there... wake up...
Father christmas first started christmas to help children with no parent...
children who needed help...
and 1 more thing to you all Christians out there...
who know nothing bout Christianity at all...
Jesus Christ was said to be born on the 25th Of Dec...

Brainless... heartless... selfish human being....

Heaven Know...

So many things in my mind now...
Can't help it... it keep repeating in my mind...
Doing my best to keep my mind and heart clear...
yet... it keep on hunting me...

Rick Price - Heaven Know

School Concert

Just finish helping En Azmi setup the freaking cool sound and lighting system...
Tired...

Need strength...

Please dearest supreme being...

Please shade light in all the teachers' heart...

Let us work together...

"AS A TEAM" not in a team or for a team!!!

===============================

G-pa, today I received a call from mum...
It's about grandma...
she had been in coma for a week....

yesterday the doctor advice our family to pull her plug... (T.T)
but they decided that I should make the decision because I'm paying all gma bills...
GPa.. I DUN WAN TO BE MURDERER...
why must this happen to me in one shot...
am i not patient enough dear God!!

Gpa... i'm tired... I can't think properly now...
one after another shit happen...
I'm tired...
I really am.... (T.T)

Still in school...

Well now I'm still in the school...
While waiting for the printing to stop...
I start writings...

Haiz... the war going on in place I workl are getting worse...
I'm not siding anyone...
this is what I hate about adult...
every one trying to out win every one...
every one is blaming any one...
What's going on???

Just look at our kids...
can't we adult learn something from them..
today they are rivals...
tomorrow they are friends...

damit...
I just hate it when I have to be nice to every one...
It's so uncomfortable inside...
the devil in me trying to get out...
anger... rage...

but I'm still controlling my anger... patient... patient...

G-Pa... I'm totally out of my mind now...
financially...all my money for my house need to channel it to Mum n Dad...
home... I don't have any place i can call home... my room is just like a hotel not...I come and go...
work.. somany rubbish are trown at me know....
health... well losing weight though...
Ko Leong is selling his condo... I'll be homeless soon....
work.... colleague...haiz... non of the people I know are passionate to be a teacher..
All I meet are pretenders ... it either they don't have a job of either they dun like their next job...

well I used to be one of those people... but G-Pa... G-Ma is hospitalize again..I'm worry...

my 2 year budget...lost...gone (T_T)...

Avie is getting married... well I'm happy for her.... A Shia is getting married too this december... haiz...

look at me know still stuck in the office printing the cert for the kids...

G-pa... I really hate being patient now...
If I just can punch that guy in the face...
kick that guy ass... I'll definitely do it...

when I started to hate this...memory of the kids eventually bring me back to my feet...G-Pa...
I donno what to do now... being a good guy is so hard....
Being fooled...being dumped...being lied.... being used....
hais...
.............
sorry to disturb u G-Pa... I so immorale now... I'm tired... my soul is lonely... even physically I'm not.....

WHAT TEACHERS MAKE

WHAT TEACHERS MAKE

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.

One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued,"What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."

To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?"

Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want to know what I make? (She paused for a second, then began...)

"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.

I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an IPod, Game Cube or movie rental.

You want to know what I make?" (She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.)

''I make kids wonder.

I make them question.

I make them apologize and mean it.

I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.

I teach them to write and then I make them write. Keyboarding isn't everything.

I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math. They use their God given brain, not the man-made calculator.

I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know in English while preserving their unique cultural identity.

I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under God, because we live in the United States of America.

Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life."

(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)

"Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant... You want to know what I make?

I MAKE A DIFFERENCE .

What do you make Mr. CEO?"
His jaw dropped, he went silent.

P/S She forgot to say 'I make future CEOs'

====================================================


Because of this mail send by a parent...
I give my promotion letter back to my CEO...
A while ago I send this mail to him...
To all you Pretending Teachers out there...
Stop pretending...
if you don't like to teach quit...
If you don't like to educate quit...
you selfish piece of what ever rubbish...

HYPOCRITE!!!

Confrontation.

The big bosses summoned me later in the afternoon...
There they were...
Six of them...
A latter was on the table...
in my heart "Are they firing me?"...

I never asked a single words...
They say do you wanna se the content of the letter...
I say "NO"...
I'll take it back and read it...

Till this moment the letter in still in my beg.... un touch....
Darn I hate this feeling............

WTF.... just let it be... I'll open it tomorrow... (=.=)

I'm tired....

Let it be?

Today I got a phone interview from a director, comedian, an artist...
The purpose was to bring me on board in cinematic and artistic field...
He like my songs... I still can't believe it... coz all this while I tot it was only crap....
He say i have a romantic singing voice ("O_o)... soft tone...
beside that, he invited me on board for his new movie have yet being name...

sound cool...
but by then I have to leave this wonderful place...

Like Cikgu say.. no matter how annoying my kids are...
a week without them... I will miss them... (T.T)...
I guess that's why I'm comfortable being a younger kids teacher...
I love to see children laugh... the smile... it look so wonderful...
so lively... no judgement... no hypocrisy... no fake...
they smile because that are genuine and happy...
Adults' world are so complicated...

Well I'm a digital artist...i have my own way of expressing it...
by the way he already bought one of my song...
It's called "Meriah"...
I wrote it when I was in Sedaya.. it was the children day...
every living soul is smiling.... happily...

by the way check out my new product.....




budokmilo.livejournal.com

Silence...

The night is dark...
I'm not as lucky as a lark...
I can hear the dog howling...
and my stomach start growling...
my neck still pain...
for the strain...
I guess this is how my life turned out to be...
miseries...

Science and Religion

Science without Religion is lame...
Religion without Science is blind...
If u are naked u should feel ashamed...
If u stop learning it means u died...

Chinese?

Well what make an empire so great during the age of empires?
1) Language
2) Culture
3) Scripting
4) Land
5) Society level?

Actually I just don't understand why people must look up so high at the west....
especially why must one have a Christian name?
Weather u are or u are not Christian why do u must have one?

Especially among the chinese who are so called trying to preserve the mandarin and chinese culture... but hey... u have such a pretty name like Lee XiaoMing.... the u suddenly go and change it to Bruce Lee....

Which reminds me of my primary teacher, Her name is Huang YiFern.... once she scolded me (in mandrine) "Liang Jie, you are a chinese, how come u never pass your own language? and excel so well in other language."...that time I was young...I was poor... the reason I was send to school is to learn... what kind of message she trying to send...

But what funny the most is, by uttering those words and she still called herself a person who "worship chinese" when she change her name to Mary Huang...it' s a joke of a life time.

Hello...it's ur name... when u die people will remember it.... when I die I wan people to remember me by my name OOI LENG KAI.... not john .... Rambo... or what ever rubbish...

even worse coming from a mouth of a person who study chinese as a major....and teach some more.....what a joke of a life time... where the love for your own CHINESE name.... the name your parent give... name is a gift... no mater how bad it is... it's ur name....

Personally I dun care... wether u wanna put arabic name or indian name or what ever... don't u think that we are fond to the west rather then more to ourself... night clubs... bars liquor... partying like nobody business.... I like all of this... but the question is why are we so worship them...
Is this what modernization mean??
some people talk about modernization and some talk about civilization...
and most talk about globalization....

Too many argument... no right no wrong.. just for us to pondering.... so tell me: a person who so called trying to preserve the his/hers culture, tradition and culture... suddenly have other culture name what does that make him... a hypocrite??

me?? I love who I am.... But I respect other culture... I go to most to listen to the "kuthbah".... I go to church to listen to the "sermon"... I go the the monastery to listen to the "teachings"...

we are human... what we are... we are as perfect as we are....

p/s:
I haven't seen in any religion that force one to change his/her name when one convert to it....
so u can keep ur birth name actually....

This is me...

ct sean,
someone might take advantage of me...
and I'll be stupid..
and hurt myself for I dont know how to say "no"?

Let them take advantage of me.....
I'm always being hurt....
and I'll never say 'no' if I can...

Because only then...
I know who are my friends...
and who are the pretenders...

A friend will help... not just say it...

Drifted...

nanda~
It 441am
The feeling so weird...
my heart beat is pounding fast and slow at the same time...
my head is grumbling and my ming ins not intact...
I need inspiration...
Time is running out...

Betrayed...

How could this happen...
How could this be...
The person I trusted most....
Had betrayed me...

In front of me u were my friends...
but behind me u are trying to destroy me...
where did I go wrong...
I lost a friend...
some where along in the bitterness...

life...

budokmilo.livejournal.com

Friend... Colleague... Work...

It's tiring to be Independent and Strong all the time...
Sometimes I just feel like being 'Spoiled'..
or turn into 'Cry Baby'...

That's y we have friendz...

K- a friends I know a year ago... out going... cool... love football... He is a very helpful guy.. but sometimes... he will disappoint me.. un-intentionally... over and over again... being me I still forgive for his mistake...

I- Same with K, we hang out a lot together... coz may be we are the only young and out going guy there... I since he is physically attractive... It always happen that there are rumors bout him with the opposite sex... over and over again... being me if I don't see it with my own eye it will always be a rumors... but there are 1 incident that create doubt in me... but still... no solid prove...

J - call himself CNN, he is the guy most people are afraid of because of his mouth... and secret digging skill... lots of times I heard from other people the he talk bad bout me... but i didn't hear it for myself... so i consider it as a rumors... even thou there I know he is fond to those kinda stuff... haiz still we are together talking crab....

P - the person i respect and admire most... a leader like no other... but lately i saw him so tired and warn off... pale... JIK say I'm too loyal to him when I told them my decision... but inside of me... the conflicts are there... but decision had been made!

back then we are such a energetic freak...
but now the environment here slow us down...
dragging every inches from our body down...
and draining every ounce of our energy out....

End of this year I will be the only UMS Kelantaneese Chinese Assoc. 2004 member who are still bachelor... furthermore I'm the founder of this association... and darn my junior will definitely may be put it into their year book (=.=).. again the year book will some how fly back to Kelantan and reach my parent hand... and Nagging Platinum Version will start to execute....

Haiz... I can't blame them... because the culture had been there for centuries...

what make Chinese a Chinese??
Izzit the language??
izzit the food??
izzit the tradition??
izzit the cloth??
or religion??
or izzit our blood the run through our vien?

language... now day not only chinese speak mandarin so does it make them chinese.... religion some of ould chinese custom are not inline with certain religion... so which factor make us chinese???

There are somany races in this tremendous world.... but to me most important of all is that there are only 1 race....

they are called.... THE HUMAN RACE.... not Amazing Race... (>.^)

Holding On...

http://budokmilo.livejournal.com/

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out


I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

Hypocrisy...

Dear annonymous thank for leaving a message on my blog...
Well I respect your point of view...
What ever happen between me and Yunnie is called fate...

======================================

Am I hypocrite?
Trap in the world of damnation...
Surviving in suffocation...
Cough between the greed of human nature...
And cry in the mist of salvation...
To many question...

Pursuit of perfection in life...
The samurai dedicated their life in perfecting the way of bushido...
Bruce Lee dedicated his whole life in perfecting his martial art skill...
Michael Jackson dedicated his life in perfecting his every performance...

ME?
Spending my whole life whining about being fat...
Complaining my whole life about load of work to be done...

If your ask me to leave something of some one...
It take me a life times to do that...
coz the sentimental value in me...
memory of the love one are properly stored in my head...

Traveling is alway my joy...
but family is always my 1st choice...
no wonder I never succeed...
like the jedi say...
attachment lead to the torturing of the soul....

I wan to leave this place and not thinking about anything...
find the missing link in my soul...
that tormented me between the realm of reality and my dream...
I wanna fly in the air without any string attached...
I wanna dive in to the deep blue ocean and witness the beauty of life...

but yet i'm here tight up by my work....
stuck in the middle....
alcohol and smoke are just temporary medicine...
and it'll kill me softly...

I hate being the good guys...
following orders....
helping others....
Sometime I just hope I can be the bad guy in the movie and just do what bad guys do best...
being soulless....
being heartless....

but i can't..... and it is painful....

王傑 - 一場遊戲一場夢

http://budokmilo.livejournal.com/

Sorry Dinner

I pick up my mom last nite from the airport...
All the way back home she nag... (=.=)...haiz...

Today Open Day in school...
Yet another headache day...
Can't walk properly today...
as my leg bone fractured from the accident on stage...
during the P6 BitterSweet Party... but the party was awesome...

For today...
I need to invigilate the Basic Entry Test fro P1...
Some how my heart pounded very fast when I see the kids...
I feel very excited to see them in school next year they are such a bunch of wonderful being...
pure... innocent... and lively....

where we adults are just too hypocrite... pretender... and materialistic...

This children give me hope when other fail..
This children give me life when other took it away...
This children give me lot of love when I don't have one...
Seeing their smile giving me a peaceful mind...
I'm always happy when they surrounded me with laughter and joy...

I've lost hope to this world....
To us human...
Have sex... have fun...
bring a child to the world...
but finally u abandon them!!

Later in the afternoon...
I went back early to buy some grocery for tonight's dinner (sorry dinner with all my cousin) @ Tropicana carefour...
I saw my coursemate... she is with a different guy this time...
may be God wil.... I some how invited her for a drink after the boyfriend left her for his work...

we chat... she ask about her ex...I didn't say much...
She confessed that she like to have sex with different guy she felt "handsome"...
I was totally spell bounded...
If she was my sister, how would have I reacted??
if she was my gf or wife, how would I have reacted??
if she was my daughter??

Personally... she happy with that... so is that wrong??
It give her her pleasure.... is that wrong??
She even say that she had sex with a nigerian which is her best sex ever..... so is that wrong?
Well in the end of the conversation she say
"Back then if not you are dating Avie... we cold have been on bed together..."
I was so damn freaking numb when I heard that...
I pay the bill and then excuse myself politely...

the world... is such a complicated simplicity...

I just wish it could be much more simpler...
so that I need not deal with this feelings and emotion which is to me troublesome most of the time...

I'm very fragile... I'm very sensitive and detail.... yet could be very forgetful too sometimes...... (>_^)

http://budokmilo.livejournal.com/

Happiness??

What does happiness mean to you?
Have lot of money??
Have lot of friends??
Have lot of property??
Have what ever you wan to have??
What is happiness???

I really don't know...
But...
I'm happy when I get what I wan... but it's just for a while...
I'm happy when I have lot of friends... but I'm not when they are not around...
I'm happy to have some one special to love... but my heart broken when she left...
I'm happy to see others smile... but grow sad when they cry...

so...
what is happiness...

every one is in pursuit of one...
does being with some one beautiful make me happy...
does being with some one ugly make me happy...

how long can that happy feelings sustain??

Complicated Simplicity......

I'm not a rich kid but... I'm happy... because I work hard to get what I wan...
I always being dump by girls... but I'm happy... because it reaches me more about love...
I'm not the heat in the crowd... but I'm happy... because each passing day it make me realise even more of my nerdiness...

Kai

Way Back Into Love

[Verse 1]
(Drew Barrymore)
I've been living with a shadow overhead,
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed,
I've been lonely for so long,
Trapped in the past,
I just can't seem to move on!

(Hugh Grant)
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away,
Just in case I ever need them again someday,
I've been setting aside time,
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind!

[Chorus]
(Both)
All I wanna do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.
Oooooh.

[Verse 2]
(Drew Barrymore)
I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine,
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs,
I know that it's out there,
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere!

(Hugh Grant)
I've been looking for someone to she'd some light,
Not somebody just to get me through the night,
I could use some direction,
And I'm open to your suggestions.

[Chorus]
(Both)
All I wanna do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.
And if I open my heart again,
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end!

[Middle-eight]
(Drew Barrymore)
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

[Chorus]
(Both)
All I wanna do is find a way back into love,
I can't make it through without a way back into love,
And if I open my heart to you,
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do,
And if you help me to start again,
You know that I'll be there for you in the end!

The Past I Long Forgotten

THERE IS NO EMOTION; THERE IS PEACE....
THERE IS NO IGNORANCE; THERE IS KNOWLEDGE....
THERE IS NO PASSION; THERE IS SERENITY....
THERE IS NO DEATH; THERE IS THE FORCE....
MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU....

Belated Buffday - 3/11

you call to invite me to your place...
remember that today was a memory that can't be erase...
you say the phrase of separation...
left me in doubt and desperation...
I wonder why it was left empty that night...
when i can u just say good night...

years have past we are now friend...
in a distance we are still connected in the end...
we depart in our own path way...
embark on a journey that come what may...
you left for my obsession on my work...
you claim it was the feelings that'll never work...

but now this had change... on your side... I just hope mine would to....
it is work that now keeping from the soreness... of wanting to be with some one else...

but this is not the life wanted...
all I wan is a some one to share the ups and downs...

as u say
we don't fall in luv with other people;
we fall in luv with the feelings we get when we are with them:
the emotional awakening,
the warm & full of hope,
the joy,
the feeling of completeness & thrill...

I hope that day come easy, and the moment pass slow...
and each road lead you where you wanna go...
and if u face with a choice and you have to choose...
I hope u choose the one that mean the most to you....

I wish you Happy Belated Buffday... (>_^)

p/s
I really cry in the rain ba that night ;P...
ui serius ba masa tue...
sapa suroh ko tinggal kan sia tanpa apa apa message... hahaha.... (^.^)

budokmilo.livejournal.com

Thank You....

Yesterday...
As my life seems so far away....
Yesterday...
I was very tired...
Still suffering from my allergy...
Yet, I put my leg forward to work...
My head was heavy.... my heart is totally outrage...

Some how for the safety of my children...
I beg my body to endure...
with 1000mg of vit C and a cereal bar...
I manage to stay alive for a while...

later on... as my body turn weaker...
a sudden burst of energy flow into my body...
making sure all my children arrive safely...
some cry... come cheer... I'm so happy to be here...

once i reach the school...
I'm flat in my bos office.... (>_^)

Never Gonna Be Alone-Nickelback

To you...

Good Will Haunting

I’m tired…
just tired of all the things that are happening...
I got lost somewhere between the truth and the lies that keep on haunting me..

I might lost my sanity…

And lost everything…

I just got wind up in the world of perplexity wherein I have to face my greatest enemy, myself…
and to challenge the remaining hope and love I have to continue on living in this cruel world…

And I’m just too exhausted…
And I can’t stand being like this…

Should I just take a seat and let everything passes me by...
or just let the one hope of love in my heart go...

If you love something... you always... always hope for the best for it...

don't force it... just let it flow... and flow with it slowly...
don't rush...
respect....
free....
and care.......

Some time a lil hope in fairy tale should be adopted in life.... (>_^)

haiz..

(T.T)

Fak.. I really dun understand the feelings roam and lingering inside of me now....

a state of confusion...

a messy mind...

dammit something wrong here but yet it feel so right...

I wish to empty my thought...

I can't... coz I'm good in keeping it...

Baga......

What The Hell Is Going On?

What the hell! what the hell!

Apart of having a good day this morning everything shaterd this evening...

It's all my fault I guess...

It's all started with a conversation which I had with the guy before our movie...

Well we were talking bout girls...

Suddenly friend 1 ask

"Eh, why each time we are around X she seems like ignoring you? "

Guy 2

"Ya lar I notice that too... not just once... almost every time...."

me

"Really? I'm just too quite I guess u guys talk more...."

Guy 1

"eh no lah... serious.... we didn't went out that much offen oso... I notice that ler... I tot u and her keluar together-gether"

Well kind of think about it... well I guess hm...I dunno... well I notice that when they raise up this thing... hm ...ya sort of...I dunno.... even when she is around her bunch of colleague with my present I do feel like being cast aside....

well it doesn't matter.... suddenly y heart was a bit unease, so I text her up asking bout what happend this morning....

well her reply was she wasn't comfortable with some words I say... okay...so I ask her what...

well she ask me to guess... haiz....

So it all end up with my confession of liking her... it's not like I'm stalking her or something...or may be even buy her diamon ring or something.... I know my ability and limit... and I know how I look....

And she say that I do "something more than that?" what did I do??? my head is in total mess now!!! haiz...what did i do that make people so irritating!!!! dear what ever God that existed why was I tested in such a way....... dammit!!!

Suddenly another text come in... say something like "i don't wan to take advantage of you just because you like me?".... ??????? I'm not in a position to judge.... but what u resist persist.... which mean if one denying that they are not taking advantage well in natural fact they do... man... I really don't know what going on right now....

FUCK!!! what the hell did i get my self into... sorry grandpa.... I can stand it any more.... what did i done wrong!!!!! I just offer my sincere help... and FUCK it turn out this way... W@#$!@#$@#$@#$@$@~

Again a night without sleep...

goodness gracious..
It's 4 M IN THE MORNING..
My head numb and spinning...
There are just some more work to do...
But I don't blame you...

wizard of the paradox cast it spell...
the vanish the load that beyond repel...
I'm a joke...
don't even have the guts to look...

Summer just ended...
Flower started to be faded...
I never get the chance to even see it...
feel it...

it passes by...
a journal of life...

http://budokmilo.livejournal.com/

World Biggest IDIOT

Every one is out there to night, watching movie with friends and love ones...
me?!? Stuck here in my 4 wall and 6 level of aggravations...
and whole stack of exam papers to be mark...

I can believe I 'm such a fool to actually give chances after another to some one....
who again and again broken their promises....

Shame on you, if u fool me once...
Shame on me if you fool me twice....
Shame on my idiotic self if i been fooled again and again....

Being scolded with the "F" words on my face...
Being spilt on my feet by the parent during sports day...
Being curse and swear by the management on my 1st day here...
I must be an idiot to take up this job...

Lucky thing i found peace in the place I once hate...
I found happiness in the occupation I once hate...
I really hate my teachers...
My be that what make me a different one...

peliknya dunie ni... ape yang kita benci... kita tiba tiba suka....
haiz...
apalah nasib...
wahai komputer...engkau jer lah yang tahu segala isi hati ku....
hahahaha...
Aku ni dah giler agak nya....
tido lah... moga esok ok lah hati ku ini.....

Smile

The only thing that kept me in one piece is the sound of children laughter and hyper voice...

Totally out of my mind today...
Can't even pull a smile when I heard know bout the issue...
WTF... my patient really outrage...

But being me no matter how bad a person treated me...
I still forgive them...
forgiving is what make me the person I am today...
Thanks to the children I learn to shift quick...
I can't just bring my sad face all day...

It hurt...
It really hurt...
when the person u trusted the most betray that trust...

It really scary if I lost it...

once... there are some one there to calm me down...
hold my hand and I feel calm...
"V"-thanks for the moment in time...
now she is with some one else... and I'm all by myself...
Striving every moment in time....

what past is past...
what present to me is what it is...
what is in the future... is unknown...

waaaaa....I feel so bad now!! hahahahaha....

I just hope that the one in my heart now would forgive me for my behavior....
"Just as you are... Just as I am...
Our little imperfections that make us beautifully imperfect... "
Would you allow me to care for you...
hold you and I promise I never let go...
and love you till the end of my time....

my goodness... ok breath in... and out... and in... and out....

love got no reason...
love got no rhythm...
Kai you better get to school on time :)

My World

people ask me what do I wan in life...
I told them peace of mind... the serenity....
yet... day by day I get monstrosity...

The only reason I'm still here..
is because of them....
and that special some one I get to know...

no matter what's the answer...
Physically it doesn't matter...
but emotionally it will be something worth remembering...

as I have no idea how it started off...
"like" might turn to "love" if the path cross...
well, still I'm in the middle of a cross road...
wondering which path to take...
I'm just a human being...
in search of a life offered....
no more no less....

a memory that can't be erased...
a person that can't be replace...
we are special in our own way...

My World
I write this song once I hear the rhythm I compose in Garage Band...
The lyric sound a bit weird as it what I was thinking at that particular moment...

Erti Hidup...

Aku bertanya pada rakan ku...

apakah pendapat mereka tentang peragawati atau model...

jawab mereka... "Fake"..... palsu...

kerana yang menjadikan diri mereka cantik adalah jurugambar...

Itu pandangan mereka...

Dimanakah patut ku berdiri sekarang...

Dalam ranjau hidup yang penuh temberang...

hipokrit dan meterialistik ini...

Tiap hari kita mendiskriminasikan diri kita...

kita meletakkan diri kita dalam kategori tertentu...

kita tanda diri kita sebagai cantik, hodoh, gemuk, kurus, kaya, dan miskin...

masing masing ingin maju...

akhirnya saling berpijakkan antara satu sama lain...

Lihatlah betapa bodohnya manusia...

Agama menyuruh kite bersatu... tetapi malangnya antara agama... kita saling berperang....

Orang yang tidak beragama pun sama.... tiada bezanya...

Semuanya dusta...

apakah erti hidup ku ini...

Kepada agama ku taati...

kepada orang tua ku, ku hormati...

kepada darah daging ku, ku sayangi...

kepada manusia sejagat yang pentingkan diri sendiri... ku cintai...

...bingkisan masa lampau...

Sleepless....

What's going on...
Can't even shut my eye....
(T.T)
I'm tired....
really really tired....

Stay the Same?

Do I ever wish I were someone else?
Am I meant to be the way I'm exactly?
Do I ever say I don't like the way I am?

When I learn to love myself, I'm better off by far?

And I hope I'll always stay the same...

cuz there's nothin' 'bout me that I could change.

I think that I could be whatever I wanted to be
If I could realize, all the dreams I have inside.
Don't be afraid if I've got something to say,
Just open up my heart and let it show me the way.

Believe in myself.
Reach down inside.
Will love I find set me free?

Believe in myself, will I come alive?
Have faith in what I do.
Will I make it through?

Betrayed by my own best friends...

Left by the one I trusted the most...

Back stabbed by the person who I relayed on...

Hate by those I love...

Hidupku bagai jatuh ditimpa tangga...

Renap impian yang ku ingin capai selama ini...

retung segala semanagat ku yang membara...

hancur segala harapan yang ku ada....

berkecai segala bingkai kaca memori ku....

hanya Tuhan saja yang tahun sengasara ku ini...

"Chiwit nie.... chan ko~ tai mai dai... chan rak tear jing jing nie...."

Gelora Jiwa

Jiwa ku tersangkut di ranting dikala ku dibawa arus...

Arus pergolakkan dunia yang tak ku fahami...

Pelbagai dugaan halangan harus ku renangi...

Namun ku hanyut jua dibawa arus ini...

Demi wang dan nama...

Sanggup digadainya badan dan nyawa...

Apakah nilai badan jika ditukar wang emas permata?

Apakah nilai nyawa jika ditukar sohornya nama?

Aku tidak kisah pada pergolakkan dunia....

Cuma ku ingin perasaan insan dan manusia...

Yang melakukannya dengan gembira...

Gembira akan kesenangan hidup yang mereka peroleh dengan tutup mata...

Bayangkan seorang hawa bergambar dan menjalani hubungan terbuka...

Atas nama seni.... atas nama artistik...

Apakah perasaan ayahnya...ibunya...suaminya...atau pun anaknya....

Itu yang ku fikirkan sewaktu ku mengambil gambarnya...

Mungkinkah dia berbangga kerana disukai ramai...

Mungkinkah dia senang dengan wang ringgit yang diperolehinya...

Mungkinkah dia tertekan kerana itulah periuk nasinya...

Mungkinkah dia sedih kerana orang tak memahaminya....

fikiran ini telah menjelma dalam lubuk sanubari ku...

hasilnya... ku telah mencerminkan dia...

sebagai seorang insan yang tabah... menawan... cantik dan daif....

namun begitu... ku tetap rasa berat di hati...

Indah mata memandang...

sengsara dan pilu fikiran ku...

Ku berharap agar mereka gembira dengan pilihan mereka...

Ku juga berharap begitu untuk diri ku....

"Ku risau akan ketahanan ku terhadap godaan maksiat di dunia,

Ku risau syaitan diri ku terbebas dan ku hilang sifat manusia ku......"

Gelora Jiwa....... Kai...

"Prostitution is the first job existed in this planet earth - Written in most religious manuscript"

infidel of love

Infidel of love indeed I'm...

zetsubou wa amai wana... tozasareta sono tobira....
kokora ga.... senjou dakara... dare nimo oshienai...
nochi sae mo... moteasobu noka.... kowarekaketa... otogi no kuni de...
mune no oku ni... hashiru itami wo... douka zutto wasurenu mama de..

yasashisa wo shinji... subete wo yurushite....
itsukushimu you ni... tada.... waka chi~atte... waka ri~atte....

Can't kept the mind at peace...

and practice what I preach...

sitting here on a bride...

counting every second every inch...

I lost to my faith...

am I?

My head is messy now...

Who come to pull me out...

no matter how hard I shout...

people just pass me by without a doubt...

hm... look up...

stare at the dark cloud...

and listen to the wolf howl...

and chanting of my heart beat pound...

tomorrow the sun will shine...

trouble shall never find....

a place to hide...

I shall clear my mind...

I won't walked away...

I won't turn my back..

because I'm Kai that's the fact...

it a stage of life which I won't act...

but to be me myself till the day I'm dead...

I shall be honest in relation,

I shall never hide a single thing,

I shall be as transparent as possible,

I shall be reasonable, responsible and reliable...

grandpa...

guide me through this...

as u guide me through those darkest hour of my sins that tarnished my parent hope...

give me the strength to fight...

bless me with serenity...

so that there shall be light...

in this turbulence storm of love...

trapped with in the realm of angel and devil; De'Angel...

Protector of the King; Aegis...

Clown and joy of the town; BudokMilo...

And problem solver; Kai...

=======================================

Maybe I hang around here
A little more than I should
We both know I got somewhere else to go
But I got something to tell you
That I never thought I would
But I believe you really ought to know

I love you
I honestly love you

You don't have to answer
I see it in your eyes
Maybe it was better left unsaid
This is pure and simple
And you should realize
That it's coming from my heart and not my head

I love you
I honestly love you

I'm not trying to make you feel uncomfortable
I'm not trying to make you anything at all
But this feeling doesn't come along everyday
And you shouldn't blow the chance
When you've got the chance to say

I love you
I honestly love you

If we both were born
In anoother place and time
This moment might be ending in a kiss
But there you are with yours
And here I am with mine
So I guess we'll just be leaving it at this

I love you
I honestly love you
I honestly love you

Serenity

Serenity - the state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled

Well people say the more you give in the more you see bout yourself...

There are still a lot for me to learn...

I send this to a friend... close friend to me she is... it may be other wise to her...

"Even the sun will someday faded...
who can tell what is fate what is faith...
for the soul that long for grace...
and the warmth of sweet embrace....
trying to find a way out of the dark cold maze...
the world...
sometime could be a lonely place...
but if you could just stop, look and take a deep breath...
see how a child see the world...
you will be amaze..."

Well lost in certain translation...

I spill out words kept in my heart...

only for the heart...

I have the feeling of guilt now...

on one end I'm out with someone else...

but in my heart is thinking of the other...

life is getting more complicated....

I have no idea how does it turn out this way...

I'm such a fool...

In search for nothing...

How I wish I could be in the state of serenity...

I back up too much in the past...

from now on when it's going get tough!

the tough get's going.....

Heart

It really hurt when I'm not able to tell the someone he/she is special in my life...

If just I can look into their eye and say "I love you..."

I missed 2 of my cousin birthday... I miss the family reunion dinner my sister planned...

I missed the dinner my friend cook... I'm missing the most precious time of my life....

Is it worth it? I ask myself...

Is it worth it....

Anotherday...

(=.=)

Strength...

The time now is 2:22am...

Still working on the project by the marketing site...

I feel like I have robbed away my kids time...

Argh... So many thing to do with so lil time left...

I'm no hero to take on this burden...

But some one gotta do it...

My friend ask...

Why didn't I quite when there are thousand time better offer then here?

I say there may be a lot of work here...

But it was the best thing happened in my life....

I never feel so alive... even when the work load almost suffocated me to death...

I feel so freaking happy... even most of the time I was disappointed by the management...

I felt the love... even thou rejection often serve around me...

My soul is happy here... even thou the physical and the mental state may be not...

The only best thing in my life

The only besting in my life lately is music... art....

The best tune in this whole damn world is the laughter of children...
The best moment I ever have is to share the moment with the children...

Today I scolded them, the next they greeted me with joy...
Today I let them down, the next day they lifted me up...

:)

Day out Saturday and Sunday

Kak Zaira Open House 10 Oct 2009 afternoon 4:30pm

Ex-colleague and Li Mong

Lilian, Mr Sah, ex-coll, Li Mong

Budok Milo nite out with the Awesome Threesome 10 Oct nite

The Lil' Devil

OMGoodness, HERSHEY's Sundae.

Budok Milo Jogging and Photo-shooting in The Park 11th Oct morning

SRJK (c) Mun Yee Canteen Day 2009

Well suddenly bring back some childhood memory... the songs...

tien xia de mama dou shi yi yang di, qing wa ect...

and bring back all the memory of the truant I did in primary school... ;p

awesome weekend, after all...

Fallin’ For You

Colbie Caillat - Fallin’ For You

I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

As I’m standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It’s just you and me

I’m trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

Oh I just can’t take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out

I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you

I can’t stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it
I think I’m fallin’ for you (x2)

I’m fallin’ for you

Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh I’m fallin’ for you

Song Information

Released June 29, 2009
Recorded 2009
Genre Pop, Ballad
Length 3:34
Label Universal Republic
Writer Colbie Caillat and Rick Nowels
Producer Rick Nowels,John Shanks and Ken Caillat

Quote of the day...

"It's so tiring when I have to try so hard to make a person happy.. and to calm them down everyday when they're having a mood swing.... but I still do it...." Quote from Avie

FAITH of FATE

The time now is 4:39am... my eye still wide open... as my active brain cell keep on working their way to solve my work... In few hours time will be going out for a hike at one of the Gunung in PJ... later was invited to Genting Klang school bazaar...
Well my friend had invited me so can't let them down... but still my eye won't close... man... lucky thing I still have my sences and mindfulness clear....

Melody - Sheila Majid & 林宇中

Melody

Kau melodi yang indah

Menusuki jiwa

Tanpamu

Hidupku tak bermakna

多么实在的感觉 望着你的脸

这一刻 我到了被人遗忘的永远

Pertemuan yang tanpa diduga

像迷路的人找到回家的路线

Engkau bak lagu dan aku bagai irama

Bersatu kita mewarnai hidup bersama

Tanpamu hilanglah nadi kita berdua

Menderita tiada haluan

窝在我心里最动听的melody

Kau melodi yang indah

Menusuki jiwa

Tanpamu

Hidupku tak bermakna

多么实在的感觉 望着你的脸

这一刻 我到了被人遗忘的永远

Pertemuan yang tanpa diduga

像迷路的人找到回家的路线

Engkau bak lagu dan aku bagai irama

Bersatu kita mewarnai hidup bersama

Tanpamu hilanglah nadi kita berdua

Menderita tiada haluan

窝在我心里最动听的melody

Engkau bak lagu dan aku bagai irama

Bersatu kita mewarnai hidup bersama

Tanpamu hilanglah nadi kita berdua

Menderita tiada haluan

窝在我心里最动听的melody

Menderita tiada haluan

窝在我心里最动听的melody

Melody

I suddenly remember this song when I was typing the title for my previous post... I love this song....

Melodic...

Cross Road

Been Blogging quite often lately... Mainly because of my head got messy I guess... (>_^)
Hm... Today's weather is really warm... but my head is boiling...
Later in the evening... I can't help myself from getting 1 cigarette from "Iki" one of my colleague.
But I could barely finnish it... coz just after few puff... the feeling of guilt slowly arisen...

I guess this is human nature...
We first smoke.. then we feel the guilt to our health...
we drink till we drop... we feel guilty towards our pocket...
we have sex with others... we feel guilty to our partners...
GUILT...

I can't sleep... stll thinking about work.. finance... guilt... girl... basically every thing...
And this result to my active brain...
How much longer could I withstand this?

"Impian"
Malam ini ku mengenangkanmu...
Mencari erti sucinya cintaku...
Namun masih ku pendam di hati...
keabadian cinta ku ini...

Resah ku tak terkata kata...
Walau pun pernah kita berbicara...
hati ku kelam bak sang malam...
muncul siang jiwa ku tetap suram...

keindahan wajah mu terpapar indah...
di memori ku ia kekal memedah...
senyuman mu manis bak mentari...
menyinari hidup ku yang sepi ini...

Fidelity

I'm carving for a cigarette now. Gosh my many years had past... yet the feeling still exist... Alcohol? No thanks... else it will be another new addiction... oh man...

some time I wish I don't have a feeling at all...
a stone cold person...
but what would happen to the children...
the orphan... the old folk I have visited...

some time I wish my life would ended...
in a peaceful end...
but what happen to my parent...
my brother and sisters... hahahha... funnie... nak tak nak same banyak jer... bongek betui.... ("^.^)..

AKU NAK ROKOK!!