Patient...

Gracious sake... I have make the same mistake again... gosh.. when will I learn... why do I have to let my anger go at some girls... argh... they are innocent... they are trying to be my friend and yet I'm scaring them away.... dammit... I just dun't understand why am i so angry about this girl that I like...she done nothing wrong...darn.... darn.... darn... I really hate myself right now... "tshisio~"....I hate the fact that this thing keep on happening over and over again....F@#$.... argh...... why why why......

How I really wish I could hold her hand and look her in the eye and say "I love you..." at this moment....

silly me.... (T.T)...

The Guardian

Feel like having a cigarette now...yet promises is promises...still human have the tendency to break it...

Grandma finally awake, I'm relief... but yet there will come a time where she will be leaving... life... is to much of suffering... I'm a valiant... a super bad valiant... I'm keeping my heart strong and my head clear... yet there are so many obstacles lies ahead... I just wish I have more courage to face it... how I wist there are no more heart broken in that process.. sign... I do not wish to be the man who sold the world...I searched for a foreign land, for years and years I roamed.....I gazed a gazeless stare, I've walked a million hills yet... nil...

There are so many conflict in this word...
yet it is heard to resolve it...
I'm being as optimistic as I can...
still the demon possessed me...
spoken in a language of alluring...
threaten my faith...
my believe...
Yet I know...
I'm agains the majority...
I'm always the black sheep...
I'm always the vinegar which spoils every thing...
I'm prepare to go to hell..
but yet will hell even accept me...

every one bother to go to heaven...
yet, doing rubbish...
create mistrust...
don't care attitude...
pretenders....
God u really wan them in Heaven...
anyway it's Your choice...

some time I have had enough with this world...
but at time I saw children smiling... crying...
the world look so wonderful and peaceful...
It make me wonder how does all this wonderful kid grow up to be the pretenders....
be the world dictator...
and then I realise...
is because of what they learn...

at time I think...
what a powerful occupation I have...
being able to change the course of the world...
yet..
those that are doing it just make fun of it...
yup...
these are the people who want to go to heaven....


* affection....

The Journey

I'm a fragile human...
born as a man...
be true as a friend...

Every thing seem so bright tonight...
I breath slower after each fight...
I have fail the light...

I'm in the dark side of the force...
But my soul promised me I shall never lost...
even in the mist of chaos...

Feeling and emotion are gift...
I suffocated and can't breath...
It flows and drag me beneath...

Song to heal my fuzzy brain...

Gma woke up....

Gma hospitalise again...

Home...
alone...
I hate it!!!!!

argh!!!!!!!!!
I hate this feeling now...
the worry...
the insecure....
I'm so stress....

why does this feeling installed into me....
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

from Me...

GOD,
I understand how You feel...
when they have trouble...
they come to You...
when they are enjoying their time with their friendz...
they forget You...

make me feel like a tool...
just like how every body else treated me...
haiz...
am I too kind to be a tool...
am I too dumb to be a fool...

why do I even have this kind of feeling at the first place...
haiz...
messy messy messy.....

who am I in the end of the day...
may be I have to much expectation on them...
just like You...
I never wanna label any one...
this thing just pass through my though...
I guess I too mean to the people I care...
to say such thing and ignore them...
haiz.....

again I ain't giving up.....

Hard To Breath

The air is getting thiner...
You suffocate from the super massive pollution...
Slowly as end of the world drowned us with it's force....
My heart is beating faster...
My mind is getting sleepier...
Can't seems to be awake...
Will the heart still accept...
The doubt installed in the sky...
Searching for the lost soul...
The feeling of losing...
Insecurity of the beaten....

I shall not give up!

Hypocrisy...

Am I a hypocrite?
As I walked into the valley of sorrow...
Yet Still showing my fake senile smile to the world...

Am I a hypocrite?
As my soul are drained in the mud of insanity...
Yet still showing my fake facial to the world...

no I'm not!!

I just have to fight!!

2 and a half month to go...
Then...
My fate will be decided...
Grandpa always say...
the nearer to the end the more we need to celebrate life....
LIFE...
WhAT do you have?

P/s
I always belief that when u love some one...
u hope for nothing in return...
but at time it make us wonder...
why love some one who don't deserve that love?
why love some one who don't appreciate it?

but then again...
me...
I still belief that no matter how much love I have...
it is enough for every one...
every single one...
why let fate decide when I make a choice...

Choices...

Priority... option... choices...

there never been an option in my life..
I always put every thing and every one as a priority...
coz that's my choice...

I have to fight...

I want to believe forever...
I want to keep thinking until the end...
There should be some meaning to my life ...

Smiling with cold eyes...
Do guys who have had their souls violated...
Feel the pain of shedding tears?

In this kind of world where you can't say what you want ...
I'll keep on living without deceiving myself ...

Now facing it head on...
In order to keep my pride ...
I have to fight...

Sitting on the stairs...
We talked of unending dreams...
Until dawn...

The seasons change unconcerned...
I unconsciously drop my gaze...
Am I getting used to being swept away?

In this kind of world where I can't have even small dreams...
I want to always and at any time like who I am...

Because I want to treasure...
These days that I live with freedom...
Now I'll walk the path that I want to...

I don't want to be manipulated by filthy lies and words...
I don't want to turn my eyes away from my true feelings...

When I was young...

It's funny how time fly by fast... Yesterday I'm boy...now...I'm not sure what am I... I meet my teacher...My old school teacher... the only memory she had about me was "cough smoking in school and get public caning by the principal..." hahaha... we share the story and had a good laugh about it... she was supprise I've become a teacher... with my degree... I know... stupid right... I told her I find love in education...not teaching...

Later I go out and had a coffee with some old friends... to my surprise I saw my principal we sat togather... and suddenly my principal say "Kamu ni gathering Kumpulan enam jahanam ker.." then only I realise..OMG.. again the 6 jahanam are reunited!! hahahaha.... Now I know people will always remember the bad thing that I do... But time change, things are changing...

I used to smoke... run around after school... playing truant... I never submit my homework... I always late for school... fighting in school (may be that's why master Sammy took me in Taekwondo and train for the national team =P)... gosh think about it it is kindda fun being the bad boy in school... when years later they took me in as prefect and promote me as head prefects... I can't belief it myself...

Haiz life... Gpa...I guess you shaped me alot... I really dun understand why u allow me to smoke when I was young...you allow me to ponteng... now I sort of realise a lil bit... pitty to those who live a perfect life... hahaha...thanks gpa... I love ya... actually, I kindda miss the time we smoking togather-gather hahahha... with your story and every thing...:)

I miss this town... I miss the bad ass younger me... wild and free....

I'm just every bodies tools....

Who am I to voice or shout...
Who am I to love or doubt...
who am I to walk high and proud...
who am I to say "I'm not your slave"...
who am I to say "No"...
who am I to say "I love you"...
who am I to say "it's not fair"...

I'm nobody to say no...
I'm nobody to say love...
I'm nobody to say it's not fair...

But I'm that someone who will be there when you need help...
I'll be that some one who stood by you and ready to risk my own life...
I'll be that some one who will never give up...
I'll be that some one who will ..... for ever...

======================================

my health condition is not very good lately. coughing... headache... friends ask me to rest... the more I rest the more pain I feel... I need to do something... else my brain will start getting pain if I don't.. hove I wish I could be normal....

life is really short... I really hope love would come easily...and hate won't exist... sometimes...at times, something precious so near yet seem so far... it's my fate I guess...but can't I fight agains fate...spread my wing and fly...do the extreme which I never do...go agains the normal..well....I guess I' always go agains the norm..:)

I submitted diploma form.... but I guess I know better...even if I get it...I won't go..... coz I love it here...the kids the friends....the joy and pain I had here...is a wonderful experience..... alot of ups and downs.... love and heart broken.... hahaha...I guess this is the right place for me...

people may say, don't I have a dream.I'll tell them...here I have more then just a dream I have reality... I can be astronaut.... sailor...pilot....everything...and have fun doing it... if just the people can see...say what they wan....I love it here.... I love it when kids make me angry...and come and hug me an hour later.....I love it when a kids cry and smile a minute later.......
they make me smile.... while the work pull me down....I just hope what I found here is more then just love.... but a big great family...........

Thanks "V"

Fate brought us together...
And fate place us apart...
Fate open my eye...
Get me closer to your heart...

Thank you for you...
for guiding me in the dark...
I wish you happy...
and your wedding dress spark...

================
congrat, thank for the invitation... but it's in Sabah ba... takut sia nangis nih teda urang pujuk ;p.
thank for calling me and the long chat... bakar sudah telinga sia nih....
even you with some one else... you always support me thank you... (nanti si panjang jelous macam mana ba nie ;p)
ok I will do my best to lost my belly.... I'm doing it actually cuma shape sia saja ba yang sama...berat turun suda...
I will always love ya...
thank you... my super EX-gal... smoga happy di sisi bakal suami mu... ;p

I dedicate this song to you:

The wreathe

wilted by words...
unable to loco-mote...
tide up in and between....
is this karma?

Is it true our life have been set...
is it true it is our fate....

un fortuned...
hexed....
jinxed....


(T.T)

Ugly but nice to see

Naive may I be...
In this world of monstrosity...
sacrificial of the truth...
to end the uncertainty....
the memory of togetherness....
why oh why...
can I get rid of the thought..
and pressure in the satan world..
shall I leave this body only it gone?

oh, I really know what I'm fighting for...
and izzit worth dying for...
why Am I still thinking of it... the impermanent....
dear creator...I'm just a tool after all...
I'm just a fool... and I'm doing my out most best to raise up.... and up... till I reach the sky...

好朋友

曾經以為等待會改變什麼　你總會屬於我
但是最後時間證明了　你只喜歡我

你說我比較像你的好朋友　只是不小心擁抱著
你道歉　你難過　於是我給你笑容
誰在乎我的心　還會不會寂寞

如果愛情是五線譜　我曾希望用全音符
吟唱出　愛上你　那完整的幸福
當你的心沒有耳朵　即使我為你唱著歌
你也只　看見我哭了

WHAT KEPT ME ALIVE

Sometimes I wonder why am I still kept alive...
with all the suffering I've gone through...
The world never change...
I'm doing my best to change...

when the pain in my head come...
It seems like the world all over me...

each time I'm in the hype of my spirit...
something pull it down....

every day is a new day...
but yet same old tragedy pulls me under...

gandpa I really hope to get a guidance from you...

I feel like an idiot doing every thing to pleases every one...
at the same times misses every second of my entire life.....
I love educating children....
that why I left the so called hight payed job in the multinational company...
but it seems like I end up in the same old dunk...
where people only care about their pride and making money....
why aren't there PASSION any longer in this world?
an idiot trapped in an idiotic world....

haiz...
I just hope I could have written something more nice and beautiful like I used to....
The world around me seem to me this way i guess...

"crimson of life is far beyond...
thy shall tweet the path of ceylon...
it blooms in the heart...
but perceived the the sight....
where ever I go there fight...
like roses thorn... beauty yet deceiving...."